Hello Coupley Coupleson
You may remember us. We’re “sad Tara” who sat in the corner on her own texting the night you held a dinner party. We’re “lonely Kevin”, who couldn’t take part in the chat (banter) down the pub last Friday because he doesn’t have a Significant Other.
We may be these people. But we are more than that. And we want to remind you of a few things. We’ve gathered on YikYak, forum websites and Twitter, and I’ve been nominated to tell our story. I apologise in advance.
We do not need to be set up with your other single friends
Seriously. We have Tinder. We’re grand. Most of your friends are boring anyway, and your friend Ed smells like turnips and has the table manners of a two month old. Why was HE your first choice?
We appreciate you’re trying to help, but we can manage on our own devices in this one. Even if most of the people on Tinder are strange too.
Your relationship drama makes us so glad we’re single sometimes
Remember the first Christmas you decided to do it as a couple, then spent most of the lead up to the 25th arguing about where to have dinner? We won’t admit it, but my god we felt so smug that day knowing no one could keep us from our Mam’s sherry trifle. She makes it like no one else can.
Remember when we used to hang out?
Much as we all say “chicks before dicks” and so forth, and promise we’ll still hang around all the time, the practice can show a completely different side. We will never say no to a good old fashioned girlie night in, or a kick about down the pitch with the lads. Please. Come get absolutely faced with us. We’re still the same people we were before. In the throes of your relationship, don’t forget your single friends.
As a Boards user put it, “For the love of god don’t stop talking to your friends just because you’re in a relationship. Make time to still see them. If things go wrong, you don’t want to have to come crawling back feeling like a dope because you completely dropped them.”
We are your friend before we’re your partner’s friend
A friend of mine once asked why I never spent a lot of time with her boyfriend. That just made me think of that HIMYM scene with Marshall and Robin. Would you inflict that awkwardness on two people you love?
But, if you do insist we hang around your SO a lot, do not get jealous/insecure/bitchy if by some coincidence we actually start to get on with each other. Accusing us of trying to steal them from you will never be well received.
No really. Don’t bring them EVERYWHERE
We don’t like to third wheel, us lone wolves. Don’t always bring your other half along when you meet up with your friends, most of the time they only want to see you if they’ve asked you for a catch up. We might need to meet for lunch to discuss a *whispers* personal problem, so we will feel ten times more awkward if you come with Tanya swinging from your arm.
And we really don’t like it on the day a date with Darren from work didn’t go as we planned. Last thing we want to see when our own love life has gone tits up is a couple, so maybe come alone this time.
But do bring a Dominos with you. Tonight, we eat our feelings. Tomorrow we worry about it.
Bonus round: do not bring them on a lads/girls holiday. We can’t say no without sounding like utter shitebags, but be warned – it will sour the trip a little.
Your lives and ours are different now, but we can still work in mutual harmony
Ok yeah, when we go out it might be a night on the pull. You’re just out for a couple of drinks and a laugh with your mates. Your cohabiting scares and alienates us sometimes, we terrify you with thoughts of our Saturday morning Walk of Shame. But we are still the same person as we were before you met The One. Do not judge us for leading the life we’re accustomed to.
(Unless the person we’re doing a WoS from has a SO. Then we’d probably judge ourselves too.)
Don’t forget your past
I don’t mean this in a “remember who you are” Mufasa way. But remember – both of you were once single like us. You’ll swear blind there was nothing wrong with you then, and we are damn sure there is nothing wrong with us now. We’re not being bitter, but it could happen that in the future you may find yourself single again. Don’t forget how to be single. That going out on the pull from above? There were days you were connoisseurs of the act too.
Please. Stop banging on about them.
It’s not that we’re bitter/jealous. It’s just we have absolutely no idea how to partake in couple talk. “Oh god Andrew went home for a few days to see his mam. I miss him so much, so different now we live together.” The only guy we’ve ever lived together long term with is our brother and we are sure as hell not bawling our eyes out when he goes for a week in Marbs with The Lads. It’s nice you miss him, but we do not need to hear about it every 15 seconds.
Never forget; we’re human too.
When/if your relationship goes tits up, we know it’s inevitable you’ll come to us crying, screaming, and throwing plates. Please do not aim the plate at our heads. Similarly, when we come to you for advice, please actually listen and not go “well what Jess and I do is. . .” In the (vastly eloquent) words of a Boards poster, “Stop moaning to me about your relationship all the time. I’m your friend, not your agony aunt.” We’re not a part of your relationship so sort it out like two adults because much as we’d like to stop your suffering, we can’t do anything about it.