What Did You Say The Child’s Name Was?

Dear celebrities all over the world. It is I, worthless pleb. I come bringing advice. Stop giving your kids ridiculous names when you/your wife give birth to them! We’re not laughing with ye, lads. . . The following are some guidelines as to the general categories you should avoid

1.) Your baby is not a place.

Offenders: Bono (Memphis), the Beckhams (Brooklyn), Alec Baldwin (Ireland) Michael Jackson (Paris)

2.) Your baby is not food

Offenders: Chris Martin (Apple) Courteney Cox (Coco [OK, I know this is a loose one, but name the popular breakfast cereal: _____ Pops. Point proved.]) Bob Geldof (Peaches) Sly Stallone (Sage)

3.) Your baby is not an inanimate object

Offenders: Arthur Ashe (Camera. No, seriously.) Andre 3000 (Seven Sirius) Rachel Griffiths (Banjo) Robert Rodriguez (Rocket)

4.) Your baby is not an animal

Offenders: Mark Owen (Fox) Paula Yates (Tiger Lily) Nicole Ritchie (Sparrow) Tracy Curry (Puma) Mia Farrow (Lark Song)


5.) Your baby is not a colour

Offenders: Beyonce (Blue Ivy) The Edge (Blue Angel) Sting (Fuchsia)

6.) Your baby is not a plant

Offenders: Geri Halliwell (Bluebell) Pink/Will Smith (Willow)

And then there are the babies that don’t even fall into a category:

Zuma (Gwen Stefani, your baby is not a form of exercise.)

Kyd (Eventually, David Duchovny, this Kyd will grow up. What are you going to call him then?)

Audio Science (Someone tell Shannon Sossamon that she gave birth to a baby, not a night class with a FETAC Level 5 qualification.)

So, celebrities. I beg of you. When the stork is coming, forget the baby name books. I’m your only woman.

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